how to shut down fatphobes this holiday season

serving clapbacks hotter than your aunt's shitty casserole.

First, a message to my readers:

Thank you so fucking much for subscribing to my Substack, a little passion project I started this year so I could write without any editorial restraints. I didn’t write as much as I wanted to, but this year I tried really hard to let go of perfectionism. This project has helped me work through some kinks in my forthcoming book of essays, and also has just helped me get my creative mojo back. It’s ALSO landed me paid work! Which wasn’t the point at all, but is appreciated regardless. Bottom line: I love to write and I love to connect, and I truly thank all of you who read, comment, share, subscribe, PAY ME TO WRITE? (that’s crazy), etc. It means more than you could ever know, to Big Me and Little Me. Thanks for being in my corner. I’m in yours too. <3

Signed,
The Little Girl Who Just Wanted to Be Heard (pictured below)

The holiday season can be a hellish time for fat people. Reuniting with extended family or hometown friends after months—or even years—feels like walking into a high-stakes reality TV show. Will they notice if your body has changed? Worse, will they comment on it? Will Cousin Susan’s dramatic weight loss dominate the conversation? How many times will someone declare, “I’m so full I couldn’t eat another bite,” conveniently timed as you head back for seconds? And how often will you have to fake a good-natured laugh at comments like, “Good thing I’ve got some shovelling to do to work off all those treats”? Take a nap, Grandpa!

Some of our parents truly did their best—but sometimes, their best wasn’t enough to shield us from negative feelings about our bodies. And one day, if we become parents, our best won’t be enough either at times. Going home, if you choose to (and let’s be clear: you absolutely don’t have to), can feel like stepping back into the scene of the crime, where all those old feelings come rushing back. But here’s the good news: you don’t have to let the past—or your weird aunt’s unsolicited comments—ruin your holiday. With the right mindset (and a few sharp comebacks in your pocket), you can reclaim the season and make it joyful, on your terms.

So here are some simple retorts to keep in your back pocket:

1. Comment: You’ve gained some weight, haven’t you?
   Response: Thank you for noticing! I am currently bulking for a strongman competition.

2. Comment: Wow, you’ve put on some pounds!
   Response: Yes, just like I’ve put up with this conversation.

3. Comment: Are you sure you need seconds?
   Response: Are you sure you should’ve worn… *looks up and down*… that?

4. Comment: Wow! Another serving? You sure can eat!
   Response: Wow! Thanks for keeping track!

5. Comment: You look… different.
   Response: Well, you look exactly the same. How unfortunate.

6. Comment: Are you sure you want to wear that?
   Response: It’s a bit cold for my birthday suit, but if you insist…

I personally like to rely on humour. But if you’re not the witty type or your family is painfully unfunny (or reactive to jokes), here are some more neutral things to say to shut down the convo:

1. Comment: Have you gained weight?
   Response: I’m not sure. That’s not something I pay close attention to.

2. Comment: Wow, your plate is full!
   Response: Yep, holidays are for enjoying good food.

3. Comment: Are you sure you need seconds?
   Response: I trust myself to decide what I need, thank you!

4. Comment: I couldn’t possibly eat anymore!
   Response: Oh, that’s too bad. I will!

5. Comment: We’re going to need to work off all of this [insert dish here].
   Response: Nah, I’m just going to enjoy it and move on.

6. Comment: My New Year’s resolution is to get rid of my muffin top.
   Response: Oh, I don’t think of my body in that way.

   (Alternate response: Oh, cool! Mine doesn’t respond to body-shaming.)

I used to avoid many situations because I was afraid of what people would say about my body. Worse, afraid that I wouldn’t know what to say back, or I’d fumble the response so hard and it would keep me up at night for weeks.

My hope is that some of these are helpful to you, or at least provide a starting point for preparing your own responses, so you can go into the holiday season feeling less anxious. I also find it helps to have responses prepared so I’m not responding from a reactionary place, but from somewhere slightly less crazy.

Remember: A solid response is also just… ignoring, turning away or simply saying, “I don’t want to talk about that, thanks.”

Wishing you the most beautiful, self-loving holiday ever, whatever that looks like.